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Thursday, November 6th, 2003
2:15 am - A plea for assistance from those whose Japanese sucks less than mine
A friend of mine has a grand plan to paint some clothes with filthy Japanese phrases. Finding the phrases wasn't hard, the internet is a beautiful place, but he wants me to paint them (understandably) in moderately comprehensible Japanese. Problem is, not only are said phrases pure gutter Japanese and hence not in dictionaries, but I think they might also be slightly wrong.

Here's what I've got:

Tameguchi kitten ja nee zou - Don't disrespect me, you fuck

Dou digata ni kazana o akeruzou - I'm gonna rip open your abdomen

I can't work out how to write "tameguchi" or "digata" (or even what they mean) and I don't know what verb "kitten" comes from. I'm drowning in a kind of kanji-soup nightmare. Don't even know if it's appropriate to be writing filth in kanji... help? Onegai shimasu?

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Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
3:25 pm - just a quick note...
... to say that anyone with an interest in Malice Mizer and the pretty, pretty people therein should check out my other journal this week.

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Friday, September 12th, 2003
4:56 pm - sideways
Since I'm no longer in Japan, and this was started essentially as a travel journal, I've decided to pack up and move house. Daily blandnesses, quizzes, song lyrics, offensive colour schemes and whining are now available at matcha_pocky. I might update this one now and then with some travel reminiscences, but those uninterested in such ego massage are welcome to de-list themselves.

In the meantime, thankyou, and goodnight.

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Thursday, August 28th, 2003
3:15 am - forgive them anything...
There is a word in Japanese, "setsugekka". It means "snow, moon and flowers".

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Saturday, August 9th, 2003
1:15 pm - BRAAAAAAAINS......
Since I enjoyed it so thoroughly last time, I'm going to see Undead again tonight. For anyone who hasn't heard about it, it's a new Australian zombie movie that *entirely* failed to suck the kind of ass that most Australian genre films do. Or did. The bar just went a whole lotta up.

Anyway, if anyone wants to join me, it's the 11:30pm lateshow at the Capitol in Swanston st. The directors will be there. We may well head to Carmilla's afterwards, so join us and we'll make an evening of it.

current mood: BRAAAAAINS....

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Sunday, August 3rd, 2003
5:34 pm
She didn't make it.

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Saturday, August 2nd, 2003
12:10 pm - Kitten update
Well, again massive thankyous to everyone who poured sympathy and cats upon Tom, Sarah and I in the last week. Nougat is back home, on immune suppressants and we're hoping for the best. We should know for sure if she's getting better in a week or two.

detailed scientificky kitten update hereCollapse )
Oh, and she did look rather like a cranberry with a kitten nose and ears and paws right after the blood transfusion... all right, she didn't, but she was getting there. Like Violet Beauregarde with kitten juice instead of grape juice.

Anyway, I'll see yaz all tonight, mate, so yaz can ask me questions then.

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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
12:04 pm - PLEASE HELP - Urgent cat blood donor needed
Lost one entry already but...

My cat Nougat is critically ill in Werribee. She needs a blood transfusion by tonight, and since she (of course) is a rare blood type (B) - sake doesn't match.

So - Anyone who has a cat, or who knows someone who has a cat, we need your help. We need a cat who's over 4kg, preferably over 5kg, and who's not too much older than 10 or under 2. There is a small risk to donor cats because of the anaesthetic but Werribee's never had a fatality. Ideally purebreds, esp. English shorthair, but we're willing to get anyone tested.

If you can help, please the crew at Chez Thomasu. This is I hope the only time I can say this is a life and death situation.

UPDATE: A donor has been found - Werribee found one - and Nougat is being stuffed full of juicy red blood cells as we speak. Actually that sounds a litte creepy, but let me tell you, it's incredibly good.

Massive and unending thankyous to the many people who threw their cats at our heads without a second thought. It is such people which makes me think that actually, despite all the slagging, humans are pretty damn good.

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Monday, July 28th, 2003
1:47 pm - MIFF 2003
Cameron, the suave, debonair, charming and fantastical boy that he is, got me a Melbourne International Film Festival Passport for my birthday (which for those of you who forgot, was yesterday :) ) so now my next three weeks are booked solid with long, boring Swedish films about squirrels, French films where the protagonists eat themselves and Hong Kong action films which were filmed in Cantonese, dubbed into Swahili, then dubbed back into Cantonese by Swahili voice-actors.

Since I may be involved for some time, if anyone wants to see me at all for then next howeverlong, you can join me at any of my movies that I list on my

MIFF 2003 Schedule aux Filmes du NicoleCollapse )
Phew. That was tiring. But yeah, join me, or else come visit me in my free spaces.

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Wednesday, June 4th, 2003
9:59 pm - Karucha Shokku
You know how at some stage in their life everyone discovers the joys of 'ethnic' food stores? Of little grimy catch-all 'asian groceries', of mysterious Indian supermarkets, of unhealthy looking family run eastern-european delicatessens?

Well, now imagine that every supermarket you've been in for a year and a half was an incomprehensible amateurish-looking Japanese melange of western products and mystery seaweed packets. Imagine blue cheese wedged up against coffee flavoured jelly, sitting but inches from fermented bean paste, pickled hundred-year-old eggs and Doraemon-brand milk. Imagine that the shelves are really low so that the little japanese people can reach the top shelf. Everything is raw ingredients and mysterious pickle jars and Enigma Spice(tm). Got that picture?

Okay, now step into Safeway Kew.

Farking hayll, that place is scary. We are talking here miles and miles of *just biscuits*, including a whole three-odd square metres just for the Arnott's section. You could fit my whole supermarket in Japan just into the cold-foods section. The shelves are so high that you can see nothing but product when you're in any given aisle, just a slice of roof at the top. There is so much product redundancy as to make a Japanese person, and also me, flail and cry. I mean, *why* do I need half a metre of Sweet and Sour Kan-Tong? Is it such a challenge to locate the sweet and sour among all those confusing flavours? Who is it that needs sixteen front-row boxes of cornflakes to choose between? They all taste the same.

And as if all this weren't enough, who should I encounter straightening out the nappies (conveniently across from the biscuits) than Jamesie Benham, the weezle himself. He said he had to make everything look 'neat'. So without further ado, I'm booking myself onto the next flight to some small tropical country where they live in trees and eat papayas.

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Saturday, May 31st, 2003
4:45 pm - Tadaima!
I'm going goth clubbing! I'm going goth clubbing! Happy dance! Tonight at Carmilla's! Swanning around in too much eyeliner! Come join me!

current mood: boinggg

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Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
6:40 pm - To whom it may concern
I'm back! Poke me with sticks, for I appear to be in Australia!

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Tuesday, May 20th, 2003
3:56 pm - The Last Post
Well, I'm moving apartments today, for the last week of my stay here in Japan, and so my net connection will be out of reach...

That's it, I've finished, there isn't any more.

To sum up...

Things I've gained:
- A taste for slimy food
- An ability to embarass myself in Japanese
- A drinking habit
- A burning hatred for chihuahuas and Louis Vuitton
- A very large number of email addresses which I will, in all likelihood, never email
- A very large amount of tacky Japanese pop-culture junk, currently in the post on its way home
- The ability to sing all manner of cheesy pop trash in kalaoke
- The right to say "Oh, yeah, Japan... I lived there."

Things I've lost:
- My fondness for cutesy anime
- My ability to speak English
- Any respect I might have had for the average Japanese person
- Any desire to be respected by said people
- About 2 kilos
- Any sense of awareness that people are gaping open-mouthed at me
- My favourite red top (Damn!)
- All the pigment in my skin

All in all... not bad.

current mood: energetic

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Friday, May 16th, 2003
3:19 am - testing...
...

...

~~~~ YAWN ~~~~~...


... did you?

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Wednesday, May 14th, 2003
9:47 pm - rrrrrrRRRRRRrrrrgggghhh....
"We continue our live coverage through the night. The furious activity of the giant english teacher has lulled slightly, after the dramatic scene of two hours ago in which the Tempozan Harbour ferris wheel, until then the largest ferris wheel in the world, was ripped up and frisbee'd in the direction of Kobe. Wait - something is happenning - the monster is... recieving a phone call? It's talking... what is it saying? ... it's stopped... oh my god, it's thrown the phone into a jet's air intake, causing it to explode! Oh god, it's heading towards the Aquarium! Oh, god, think of those innocent sharks and giant spider crabs! We're heading now to the police surveillance HQ to find out the cause of this latest rampage."

"Officer Asuhoru, what's happening? Why is this monstrous Eikaiwa Sensei angry again, almost 24 hours after the start of the crisis?"
"Well, the teacher's housemate just called her - it seems that about ten minutes ago, the tyres on her bike were discovered slashed. It seems likely that this is some kind of terrorist act intended to intensify the fury of the giant Sensei. Fortunately, a giant strawberry-and-cream-filled sticky rice cake is being flown in by helicopter as we speak and we are confident of distracting the creature before it reaches Dotonbori Bridge."

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Tuesday, May 13th, 2003
4:35 pm - Greaaaaarrrrggghh!!
"We are reporting live from Osaka, Japan, where what seems to be... a fifty-metre tall... english teacher??!? is scaling the Umeda Sky Building and tossing helicopters into the Hep 5 ferris wheel like they were peanuts! Since Japan has no armed forces, the Home Security Police has been called in but their efforts are having little or no effect. Scientists are searching frantically for a weak point or even a reason for the Eikaiwa Sensei's rampage and immense size. We cross to the studio now with that report."

"We're here with Professor Eikichi Egguheddo of Kyoto University. Professor, can you speculate on the reason for this English teacher's immense size?"
"Well, yes. We suspect that the specimen's size is probably related to a diet of Cryptoenigmatricyclinate, a chemical found in our very popular "genki drinks" here in Japan. While the chemical has only minimal effects on Japanese nationals, its effect on the Caucasian nervous system has been known to have dramatic and unpredictable effects."

"How about the creature's rampage? Is the reason for its anger also chemical?"
"Actually, no. We did some research into the specimen's background and it seems that just before the rampage commenced, she recieved a phone call from her airline, Vietnam Air, informing her that her return flight to Melbourne had been cancelled, forcing her to stay in Japan an extra three days and not returning home until May 27th. We suspect this was the cause of the creature's anger."

"Thankyou, Professor Egguheddo. We now return you live to the scene of the carnage."

current mood: Kill! Maim! Deeestrooooy!

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Friday, May 9th, 2003
7:59 pm - Statements
It's hot.

Cats are the same everywhere you go.

X2 was a good movie; Daredevil was not. I paid for one but not the other.

My edges are not cutting.

Jersey knit sheets.

Olives. They will one day be bigger than Jesus. They may even be already.

I killed another plant. Although it may have been suicide.

Les béquilles sont ignobles mais ils sont déja nécessaires pour vivre.

Soft toys are the pinnacle of human invention. They exist only to be loved.

Tsukareta. Ima sanjujikan de nerarenai kedou. Imasugu moichido ganbaru.

current mood: insomniac

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Thursday, May 1st, 2003
2:11 am - Never going back again...
Done, done and done.

Never again will I hear those smegging chimes ordering me to class; never again will I listen to Mariah Carey being piped over the loudspeakers.

Never again will I have to smile and nod interestedly as some BRAINdead girl talks about her chihuahua, or have to think of something to say to someone who, self-avowedly, has no hobbies or interests of any kind. Or make conversation with someone who thinks that women have smaller brains than men and that the best way to teach a child is to hit them till they behave.

Never again will I hear about going to shopping, or having a lunch, or been go to supermarket.

Never again will I have to listen to Akihiro talking about scat porn, or Makiko ranting about Eric Carmen (I mean, who the hell is Eric Carmen, for god's sake?), or have to explain that "pierrot", "salada" and "arbeit" are not English words.

Never again will I have to think desperately of something for the students to do as I pray for the bell to ring. "So, have you... eaten any interesting food lately? Why don't you take this question cube and... oh! There's the bell, bye everyone."

Never again will I have to talk about Willy the Kid and Brutus Cray and all those other lame, I mean witty and hilarious, Nova characters. Nor will I have to write meaningful student file comments like "Brush your teeth", "Two beers before class", "Urgent orthodontistry" or "Cattle prod".

Man, I miss it already.

current mood: satisfied

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Monday, April 28th, 2003
2:19 am - Gyah... So many reasons to go, so many to stay...
I'm ever so homesick. I hear a bell ring and I think, oh that's the cats. Wait, no, the cats are in *AUSTRALIA* and I am in *JAPAN*.

But then...

Today I bought one of these in grey. It's called a Gloomy Bear. Damn but he's just sooo *cute* when he whacks the shit out of people and kicks the stuffing out of a whole J-pop group and... oh just take the grand tour, okay? The button on the bottom right is "next". Perhaps those of a delicate nature, who find it disturbing when cartoon animals commit random acts of violence, should go and bake something instead. But then again, it's nothing worse than you'd see in the average Jet Li film. Maybe even a little more realistic.

current mood: amused

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Tuesday, April 22nd, 2003
4:10 pm - Weekendy goodness
I ate some weird shit on saturday. I snuck out to meet two students, which is a terrible no-no at Nova, people get fired if they get caught. But hey, what are they gonna do, give me a month's notice?

So I met up with Atsuko and Naoko, who may possibly be the most super people on earth. There's a picture of Atsuko here but the one I took of all three of us came out looking like the one in Ring, all blurry and evil. Thus if I drop dead by saturday, be not surprised.

But, we went to this amazing restaurant. To get to it, you have to go down a street, down an alley, down an even smaller alley (about a metre wide) then dogleg past kitchen doors and rubbish bins. Then you get inside and it's pure swank. They're so upmarket that they have no menu; you just sit at a little bar and they keep passing up dishes to you. Among the stranger things I ate: raw edomame beans, baby eels (four inches long, clear, slimy), crab intestines, turtle pie and roasted fish testicles. And creme brulee with banana mousse for dessert, which everyone called 'clem blulee'. Sooo cute.

And just to round out my weekend, I went to Holly and Cate's place for their party. I can't remember much past about 11pm, but I think I was practicing my french on everyone, apologising profusely and I seem to recall giving my phone number to a cute and also drunk Japanese girl on the train home. I wonder if she'll call me.

current mood: hung over

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